


Archival Tomfoolery

by Lunan95



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Abuse of Admin Power, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Archive Tomfoolery, F/M, Gen, Group chat, Humor, Implied Relationships, Implied TimSasha, Implied Workplace Misconduct, Jon is oblivious, M/M, Pre-Slash, Teasing, Texting, implied jonmartin, jenny is the baby of the archival staff lol, martin is a protective big brother, sasha has the best username, tim loses his shit
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-01
Updated: 2020-09-09
Packaged: 2021-02-20 03:36:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22075597
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lunan95/pseuds/Lunan95
Summary: Martin decides to turn his and Jenny's group chat into a group chat for the Archival staff. It goes as well you might expect.Tim loses his shit over the course, Jenny is a sneaky little shit, Martin is Soft as usual, Sasha has the time of her life and Jon is so oblivious.It's one heck of a wild rollercoaster ride.
Relationships: Martin Blackwood/Jonathan Sims, Sasha James/Tim Stoker
Comments: 8
Kudos: 74





	1. Chapter 1

**_[12:37]_ **

**_Martin K. Blackwood_ ** added  **_J.Sims_ ** ,  **_STOKED_ ** and  **_Padparad-Sasha_ ** to the group:  **_Archival Group Chat_ **

**_J.Sims_ ** , **_Padparad-Sasha_ ** and **_STOKED_ ** are online

**J.Sims:** Martin, what is this?

**Martin K. Blackwood:** a group chat! so we can keep in touch, just in case we can’t speak in person or call anyone.

**Padparad-Sasha:** So anyone know if one of us got isolated or kidnapped again

**Martin K. Blackwood:** yes! Exactly!

**STOKED:** for the record, my username is the best of everyone’s!!

**STOKED:** except for Sasha’s, that was genius!!!

**Padparad-Sasha:** Thanks, you said I was a gem and I better live up to my name

**J.Sims:** *that was genial

**J.Sims:** You should spell better than that, Tim.

**STOKED:** spoilsport

**STOKED:** YOU if anyone should live up to your name!!

**J.Sims:** Don’t you dare, Stoker!

**_STOKED_ ** changed the name  **_J.Sims_ ** to  **_Boss Spoilsport_ **

**Boss Spoilsport:** You are fired.

**STOKED:** nah, the creepy boss decides that!!! And the name FITS!

**_Jen-Jen_ ** are online

**Jen-Jen:** speaking of which, why isn't he here?!

**Padparad-Sasha:** Wait you want Elias to be here?!?!

**Martin K. Blackwood:** absolutely not!!!

**Jen-Jen:** but whyyyyy

**Martin K. Blackwood:** jenny, we’ve had this convo hundreds of times already! He’s not good for you!

**Jen-Jen:** you never approve any of my relationships!

**STOKED:** look at our marto, taking charge like a good big brother!!!

**STOKED:** and insulting creepy boss of all things

**STOKED:** i’m so proud of him!!!

**Padparad-Sasha:** He got so much power now! :D

**Boss Spoilsport:** I must agree with Martin, that kind of relationship isn’t only strange. It is also against the policy.

**Jen-Jen:** what policy???

**Boss Spoilsport:** The policy that is against letting a superior fraternize with a young employee.

**STOKED:** what

**STOKED:** ARE YOU BLOODY KIDDING ME?!?!?!?

**STOKED:** YOU ARE THE BIGGEST HYPOCRITE EVER JOE SPOOKY

**Boss Spoilsport:** How many times do I have to ask you to stop with that god awful nickname? It’s not funny and how dare you call me a hypocrite?

**STOKED:** oh pLEASE

**STOKED:** you have the fucking hots for marto since he smiled when he gave you tea on your first day!!!

**Boss Spoilsport:** That is an entirely false and incorrect statement, not to mention inappropriate. 

**Boss Spoilsport:** Martin was just kind enough to make that tea. I am willing to bet he does that for everyone equally and it doesn’t mean anything.

**Boss Spoilsport:** Which reminds me. Martin, thank you for the tea. That was very refreshing.

**Martin K. Blackwood:** oh! You’re welcome, Jon! :D

**Martin K. Blackwood:** I wasn’t sure of what tea you liked, so it was mostly guessing. but I’m so happy you liked it!

**Boss Spoilsport:** Earl Grey, two sugar and no cream. It'd be nice if you remember it for future references.

**Martin K. Blackwood:** I will! :D

**STOKED:** ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!

**STOKED:** WHAT IS THIS RIGHT HERE?!?!

**Padparad-Sasha:** lol Tim calm down

**STOKED:** F L I R T I N G !!!

**Boss Spoilsport:** Absolutely not, you couldn’t be more incorrect, Tim. 

**Boss Spoilsport:** And change that bloody username, it’s ridiculous!

**Jen-Jen:** this reminds me! Why is Tim an admin?

**Martin K. Blackwood:** uuuuuh yeah, about that…

**Boss Spoilsport:** He helped you with the rent money in exchange, didn’t he?

**Martin K. Blackwood:** …

**Jen-Jen:** but you said you had it covered!!! You SAID everything was fine and I didn’t have to get a part-time job!!!

**Martin K. Blackwood:** I’M SORRY

**Martin K. Blackwood:** IT GOT TOO MUCH THIS TIME

**Jen-Jen:** ...did you send money to our ever so ungrateful mom?

**Martin K. Blackwood:** jenny, what did I tell you when you joined the archive?

**Jen-Jen:** oh yeah, don’t bring up any personal problems.

**Martin K. Blackwood:** Exactly

**Martin K. Blackwood:** so please everyone, just forget about that convo

**Martin K. Blackwood:** sorry, I didn’t mean to bring up any silly problems

**Boss Spoilsport:** It’s alright and already forgotten. But Martin, please talk to Elias if you’re having income issues.

**Padparad-Sasha:** Yeah you should if money is hard to come by

**Martin K. Blackwood:** thanks but it’s okay now

**_STOKED_ ** changed the name  **_Martin K. Blackwood_ ** to  **_Marto_ **

**STOKED:** you’re very welcome!!!

**Marto:** aww thanks Tim :)

**Jen-Jen:** it suits him!!!

**STOKED:** i’m just great at nicknames!!!

**Boss Spoilsport:** I beg to differ. My username is ghastly and in poor taste.

**Marto:** oh! Don’t you worry Jon!

**_Marto_ ** changed the name  **_Boss Spoilsport_ ** to  **_Head Archivist_ **

**Head Archivist:** I like the sound of that. Thank you very much, Martin.

**STOKED:** WTF IT’S YOUR DAMN JOB TITLE

**Head Archivist:** Exactly. It gets to the point, Tim.

**Padparad-Sasha:** this chat is gold loooool

**Head Archivist:** Well, that’s enough tomfoolery for now. We should get back to work, lunch break is over soon.

**Marto:** righto. I’m almost done with the Ramirez statement.

**Padparad-Sasha:** Oh yeah, I gotta call the police station about some info

**STOKED:** and I get the best job ever, gonna head out and talk to another peep about spooky shit!!!

**Jen-Jen:** i got another memo from the bossman. He wants me to investigate that abandoned mansion outside town. Even gave money for cab. 

**Padparad-Sasha:** Best lucks Jenny! :D

**STOKED:** give us the spooky deets later, kid!!!

**Marto:** please be careful, Jenny! 

**Head Archivist:** That is settled then.  **_@Padparad-Sasha_ ** , keep up the good work,  **_@STOKED_ ** , see you later and stop say “spooky”.  **_@Marto_ ** , I look forward to your due diligence.  **_@Jen-Jen_ ** , watch yourself and don’t try any stupid noble hero antics.

**Jen-Jen:** already on it, boss!!

**_Head Archivist_ ** went offline

**_Marto_ ** went offline

**_Jen-Jen_ ** went offline

**STOKED:** weird that creepy boss gave her money for cab. he’s up to something, sash!!

**Padparad-Sasha:** He’s a little weird but he hasn't treated her wrong so far

**Padparad-Sasha:** Probably should keep an eye on him thou

**STOKED:** i second that

**STOKED:** still up for drinks on friday after work???

**Padparad-Sasha:** Yeah for sure! :D

**STOKED:** cool! see you later sash

**_STOKED_ ** went offline

**_Padparad-Sasha_ ** went offline

**_Magnus-Head_ ** is online

**Magnus_Head:** Seems like I missed out the party during my lunch meeting.

**Magnus_Head:** Still, it’s nice to see all of you getting along. Teamwork is important, regardless of department.

**Magnus_Head:** **_@Jen-Jen_** , thank you for inviting me on this chat. And good luck with your mission.

**_Magnus_Head_ ** went offline

**_[15:03]_ **

**_STOKED_ ** are online

**STOKED:** JENNY YOU LITTLE BRAT!!!!

**STOKED:** HE WAS HERE THE WHOLE TIME!!!

**_Jen-Jen_ ** are online

**Jen-Jen:** SHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHIT

**_Jen-Jen_ ** went offline

**_STOKED_ ** went offline


	2. Snogging, Awkward Flirting and Due Diligence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which Tim accidently stumbles on Elias snogging Jenny, Martin has a strong "big brother energy" and Jon's awkward flirting makes a comeback. Bonus, Tim and Sasha roasts Jon in a private chat while Martin left for the dentist.

**_Head Archivist and STOKED are online_ **

**STOKED:** ASDKNFBSHDKFHJSBHFNICWDBVHOWDBCKHIADV

**Head Archivist:** Timothy Stoker, you better have a good excuse for spamming the archival group messaging service.

**STOKED:** okay I was just gonna head into Elias’ shitty office, ask to investigate the weird Lukas family because they’re really up to some weird shit and I just walked into him

**STOKED:** HE WAS FUCKING KISSING JENNY

**_Marto is online_ **

**Marto:** What?

**STOKED:** more like her wrists actually

**STOKED:** that looked pretty intense tho

**STOKED:** seriously, what kind of repressed victorian maiden shit is he into???

**_Marto went offline_ **

**_Padparad-Sasha is online_ **

**Padparad-Sasha:** Okay just saw Martin slam his hands on his desk and he just left the archives in a hurry

**Padparad-Sasha:** Oh I get it now

**STOKED:** godspeed marto

**_Magnus_Head is online_ **

**Magnus_Head:** Jonathan. I’d appreciate it if your archival assistant/teabringer didn't slam my doors open and hit me with a stack of statements which you should record.

**Head Archivist:** He did what now?!

**Magnus_Head:** Although considering I had a very important meeting with his sister, that might’ve been provocated.

**_Marto is online_ **

**Marto:** Stop snogging my sister then! Jenny is my little sister and you’re our BOSS! 

**Marto:** I don’t approve of this! >:[

**_Jen-Jen is online_ **

**Jen-Jen:** Martin! Why do you always ruin my relationships?!

**STOKED:** what did he do???

**STOKED:** come on kid give us the deets!!!

**Magnus-Head:** I was having a lovely meeting with Miss Blackwood, we had a lot of catch up since she was prisoned in that mirror. Not even five minutes after I sent away Tim, her brother just enters my office in a fit of anger and slaps my face with a stack of statements.

**Magnus_Head:** Considering the intimate moment I had with her, I can forgive that.

**Magnus_Head:** Martin has a violent temper when it comes to his sister.

**STOKED:** SHKJSJHKSHJKS

**STOKED:** oh my god this is way better than watching the office on netflix!!

**Head Archivist:** Martin Blackwood.

**Marto:** I am NOT sorry if you want me to apologize, he was snogging my sister. I didn’t agree to this!

**Head Archivist:** I can understand that and I suppose if I had a younger sibling, I’d be also...provocated. However, I don’t think you’re supposed to hit Elias with the statements.

**Head Archivist:** I’d rather keep the statements free from any possible blood stains.

**Padparad-Sasha:** OMG

**STOKED:** OMG PFFFFFFFT

**Marto:** I promise to not use the statements next time then, Jon. 

**STOKED:** SKJSKJSKJSKSJSKJS

**Padparad-Sasha:** This is amazing lol

**STOKED:** so you mean our marto can hit ELIAS with something else?!?!?!

**Head Archivist:** It was unprofessional by him to snog with Martin’s sister. Not to mention against the policy. It doesn’t matter if he is the director or not, we have decorum.

**Magnus_Head:** …

**_Magnus_Head went offline_ **

**STOKED:** fucking PREACH!!!

**Head Archivist:** Language, Tim. And I need your notes on your following up. Martin has already completed his latest assignment and it’s not even two o’clock yet.

**Head Archivist:** Which I must add. Martin, you have done good work and your due diligence was beyond expectations.

**Marto:** Oh! Well, thank you. I’m just glad my assignment was good enough to please you. Not that I don’t always follow up, I always try to do my best even if it’s not enough and since you lectured me on the “due diligence” part, I wanted to do much better for you...I’m gonna shut up now.

**Head Archivist:** Well, I enjoyed your...due diligence. It was to my pleasure.

**Marto:** Well...I have to go now. It was nice to hear that...from you. I really gotta go now.

**Head Archivist:** Excuse me, Martin. That must’ve been uncomfortable for you, I apologize.

**Marto:** No, it’s not that! I just had an appointment with the dentist this afternoon. I sent you the memo?

**Head Archivist:** Oh. Now I recall, you did that. Ah, sorry. I wasn’t...thinking, I suppose. Yes, you should probably get going now.

**Marto:** Thanks and be safe, all of you. Jenny, stay out of trouble. I will find out.

**_Marto went offline._ **

* * *

**_Archival Group Chat (minus Martin)_ **

**ST0KED69:** seriously??? "your due diligence was beyond expectations"?!?! 

**Jon_Archivist:** PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE ABOUT THIS! 

**memequeen:** Wait what did I miss?? I just went to the bathroom??? Tim, spill the tea! 

**ST0KED69:** well, the bossman here tried to flirt with our marto and it was terrible! so terrible that even the evil worm lady would rise from her dusty ashes and say how bad it was!

**memequeen:** Lmao oh my god! 

**Jon_Archivist:** That is not what happened! I tried to...well, I figured I could show Martin my appreciation and frankly, my previous attitude towards him hasn't been the best, so...you understand. 

**memequeen:** Jon you disaster, what did you say to him? 

**Jon_Archivist:** I...I told Martin that his recent "due diligence" was beyond expectations and I happened to notice that his sweater was very nice, so I asked him if he got himself a new sweater because I found it aesthetically pleasant. 

**ST0KED69:** and guess what??? martin explained he had worn that sweater for two years and the first day he had worn it, jon said the color didn't match his hair!!! 

**memequeen:** Oh. My. God...Jonathan Sims, you are a walking disaster! XD 

**Jon_Archivist:** So I have resolved to keep inside my office and work until I know for sure Martin has left for the day. And I was actually looking forward to the tea. 

**ST0KED69:** press f for respects. 

**memequeen:** F 

**ST0KED69:** big ass F 

**Jon_Archivist:** I feel the love, you two. >:[

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is so late as fuck, but thanks for all the comments and kudos you guys left on this fic. I didn't knew it would get this popular (by my standards) and I try to update as much I can. 
> 
> Shit is crazy right now, but I won't disappoint you guys. I hope you'll enjoy some more JonMartin awkward flirting and so you know, yes this is in my Blackwood Sibs AU and Sasha is totally alive in all seasons.
> 
> You got suggestions? Just leave it in the comments and I'll give you guys a nice shoutout!
> 
> Lunan out! ;)
> 
> PS. in their private chat minus Martin, Sasha is memequeen and Tim is ST0KED69. Jon is obviously Jon_Archivist. owo


	3. Pineapple pizzas, sleepover plans and teabringers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which Jenny loves pineapple pizzas, Jon has never had pizza before and the gang plans a sleepover at Tim's place and holds their boss hostage.

**_[15:28]_ **

**_Head Archivist, Padparad-Sasha, Jen-Jen and STOKED are online_ **

  
  


**Jen-Jen:** pineapples on pizza is the best, hands down 🍕🍕🍕🍍🍍🍍

**STOKED:** u sure???

**STOKED:** i vibe so hard with bacon on pizza 

**Jen-Jen:** yeah, no bacon on my pizza 🥓🚫

**Head Archivist:** God, why would you want pineapples on pizza? That sounds ghastly!

**Padparad-Sasha:** Have you ever had pineapple pizza before Jon???

**Head Archivist:** Assuming I had pizza.

  
  
_**Marto is online** _

  
  
**Marto:** GASP

**Marto:** Jon you’ve never had pizza?!?!?!?

**STOKED: 👀👀👀**

**Padparad-Sasha: 👀👀👀**

**Jen-Jen: 👀👀👀**

**Head Archivist:** Well, no. It costs too much for one person and I’ alright with the frozen dinner meals I have at home.

**Marto:** …

**Marto:** I say we change this right now!!!

**STOKED:** sash u know what this means

**Padparad-Sasha:** aw hell yeah!!

**Head Archivist:** Wait. No. Whatever you disasters are thinking, the answer is no!

**STOKED:** omg fuck off u don’t decide over me

  
**  
****Head Archivist:** Excuse me?

**Jen-Jen:** at whose place then?? 😊😊

**STOKED:** mine!!

**STOKED:** i have this great new tv and a big living room

**Padparad-Sasha:** holy shit I just had the best idea!!

**Padparad-Sasha:** xbox tournaments and the loser buys lunch next time!!!

**Jen-Jen:** we can also have a real blanket and pillow fort! tim PLEEEEEAAASE!!! 😇😇

**STOKED:** OF COURSE!!!! ok that’s settled then

**Head Archivist:** Wait, no! I didn’t agree to this! 

**STOKED:** stfu jon your with us now and u gonna suffer happily

**STOKED:** so the following tasks are following; sasha, fix the pizza. jenny, you get the snacks and drinks. marto, you get jon hostage and guard him so he don’t run. i’m gonna fix the living room for sleeping bags and build a fucking big blanket/pillow fort

**Head Archivist:** Martin, you are my last hope. You won’t let these hooligans do this to me, right? I like your tea a lot, you make it expertly and just the way I like it.

**Marto:** No, sorry Jon

**Head Archivist:** Never mind, I hate your tea now. >:(

**Marto:** Then I just stop bringing it

**Head Archivist:** Please don’t.

**Marto:** But you just said--

**Head Archivist:** I changed my mind and you’re my official teabringer, no takebacks!

**STOKED:** can u feel the loooove tonite

**Head Archivist:** Tim, shut up. I can still fire you!

**Padparad-Sasha: 👀👀👀🤣🤣🤣**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If it wasn't clear enough, Jenny and Martin doesn't eat pigmeat cause they're Jewish.
> 
> Also so SORRY this was so goddamn late, I had a serious writer's block for some months and it's been really hard. But I'm trying to break through it now.
> 
> To everyone who has left a comment or kudos on this fic; thank you so much for your support and I hope y'all like it so far!
> 
> also no Elias in this, first time so far. But well, he's probably bothering Peter Lukas or have another dastardly plot going on.
> 
> And vote for next time; who do YOU want to appear next in the group chat? :)
> 
> Cheerio!
> 
> -Lunan


	4. Cute baby Archivist, stuck in café bathroom windows and swears

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which a very cute Jenny is dubbed as "baby archivist" by Tim and Sasha, Jon tries to bail from the sleepover by escaping through the window in a café window, much to Martin's chagrin. To make it worse, a certain Ghost Hunter saw a stuck Jon, took photo and sprinted off.

**_[17:28]_ **

**_Padparad-Sasha, Jen-Jen and STOKED are online_ **

**Jen-Jen:** which drinks??? 🥤🥤🥤

**STOKED:** get pepsi, sprite and fanta exotic!!

**Jen-Jen:** alrighty, did that! I’ve already fixed the snacks, so that’s okay! 😄😄😄

**STOKED:** you’re a lil gem, squirt!

**Padparad-Sasha:** I thought I was a gem??

  
  
**STOKED:** sasha darling, you are a DIAMOND!! 💎

**STOKED:** also everything is set up here

  
  
**Jen-Jen:** the fort is up???? 🤩🤩

**STOKED:** the fort is up, the movies are prepared and I just fired up my trusty xbox!!

**STOKED:** went all the way for this cause we got fairylights too!!

**Jen-Jen:** neat!!! 😄😄

**STOKED:** pretty great setup in case the bossman decides to smooch marto and then do this and that to him ;)

**Jen-Jen:** eww. never talk about my big brother like that ever again!!! 🤢🤢

**Jen-Jen:** i dont want to think about marto doing “this and that” with boss jon 🙄🙄

**Jen-Jen:** i’m a very impressionable girl 😎😎

**Padparad-Sasha:** asfkjsndsjndjs

  
  
**Padparad-Sasha:** jenny you’re so valid

**Padparad-Sasha:** your just like marto, so damn cute

**Jen-Jen:** i’m not cute, u take that back 😑😑

  
  
**Jen-Jen:** i’m a strong monster-fighting artifact-stealing secondary archivist 😇😇

**STOKED:** adorable

  
  
**Jen-Jen:** NO 😡😡

**_STOKED changed Jen-Jen’s name to baby archivist_ **

**baby archivist:** i hate you all 😤😤

**STOKED:** aww we love you too!!!

* * *

**[17:34]**

**Head Archivist:** Martin, stop holding me hostage.

**Marto:** sorry can’t do

  
**  
** **Marto:** not since you tried to sneak out from the bookshop you promptly wanted to visit

**Head Archivist:** Alright. Martin. I am sorry I tried to deceive you like that. I promise to not try to run away from Tim’s horrible sleepover.

**Marto:** how about we calm down with coffee or something else at the café at the corner and it’s all forgiven

**Head Archivist:** Sounds fair to me.

* * *

**[18:13]**

**Marto:** jon where did you go now??

**Marto:** I swear if you’ve run off again

**Head Archivist:** Just heading to the bathroom. Don’t worry.

**Marto:** okay

* * *

**[18:29]**

**Marto:** you’re sure you’re okay??

**Head Archivist:** Just fine.

* * *

**[18:42]**

**Marto:** still waiting

* * *

**[18:53]**

**Marto:** okay jon you’ve been there for forty five minutes, are you okay???

**Head Archivist:** Martin please help

**Head Archivist:** I’m stuck in the window.

**_STOKED is online_ **

  
**STOKED:** WTF

**_Padparad-Sasha is online_ **   
  


**Padparad-Sasha:** omg

**_baby archivist is online_ **   
  


**baby archivist:** oh kurwa mac 😮😮

**Marto:** what are you doing in the window?!?!

  
  
**Marto:** and jenny, don’t swear damn it!

**Head Archivist:** Forgive me Martin I was trying to escape through the mini window, but I knocked off some boxes I was standing on and now I’m hanging in the window by my midriff and it’s really starting to hurt and the window opening is too small for my lower half to get through please help me

**STOKED:** OMG HAHAHAHAHA!!!!

**Head Archivist:** DON’T LAUGH AT ME. THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT TO START!

**Marto:** oh my god, im on my way and goddamn it jon, i can’t leave you alone for a sec

**Marto:** you promised to not run away again

**Head Archivist:** I know I’m sorry please get me out of this and we’ll have tea together in the café!

**Head Archivist:** Wait no Martin go outside first, at this side!

**Marto:** why and what is it now??

**Head Archivist:** Stop her, quick!

**_Marto is offline_ **

**STOKED:** the hell???

**Padparad-Sasha:** ffs what happened now

**Head Archivist:** OH NO

**baby archivist:** what happened now jon??? 😨😨

**Head Archivist:** MARTIN MELANIE KING JUST TOOK PHOTO OF ME AND RAN OFF PLEASE STOP HER BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!

**_Marto is online_ **

  
**Marto:** shit just missed her

  
  
**Marto:** she just took a cab but she was snickering a lot, cradling her phone like her first born

**Marto:** oh i see

**Marto:** sorry jon

**Head Archivist:** Sasha, tell Elias to pay for my funeral expenses and donate all my belongings to orphans and widows. Sasha, you get my books and Jenny, my laptop.

**Head Archivist:** And my china, that was my grandmother’s.

**Head Archivist:** Martin will get those. 

**STOKED:** LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

**STOKED:** and our sleepover didn’t even began

**STOKED:** u leave nothing to me wtf

**Head Archivist:** Obviously.

**Head Archivist:** I haven’t forgotten your stupid spider prank.

**STOKED:** fml

**Padparad-Sasha:** lmao

**baby archivist:** how are you doing now jon?? 😮😮

**Head Archivist:** I am out again, sweet freedom.

**Head Archivist:** And Martin just lifted me up like I weigh nothing more than a couple of grapes!

**Head Archivist:** He’s...ah, very strong. And amazingly comfortable.

**baby archivist:** he is!!! marto is the best soft big brother ever!!! 😍😍

**Head Archivist:** Must be that hand-knitted sweater. Very comfortable material and good texture.

**STOKED:** ffs

**STOKED:** just finish u fucking tea and get back here, u r not getting out of the sleepover

**Head Archivist:** Fuck.

**baby archivist:** language jon!! 🤬🤬

**Head Archivist:** Speak for yourself, miss “kurwa mac”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was ridiculously late, but only because of idea drought. But I got inspired again and here's update! :D
> 
> Yes, it was Melanie off-screen and don't worry, she'll join the disaster chat in sometime! 
> 
> I'm still open to suggestions and I want to thank for all the kudos, you guys are the best!
> 
> Still no Elias Bitchard here, but he's briefly mentioned. My guess he's at his usual bullshit, pestering Peter about financial business or what else.
> 
> -Lunan95
> 
> PS. "kurwa mac" is a Polish swearword and basically means "for fuck's sake/son of a bitch". Jenny has a potty mouth.


	5. The Epic Sleepover Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> in which the gang finally have their sleepover, blackmails happens, Jenny nicks Tim's pepperoni pizza, Sasha is such an icon and Jon compares Martin with the fictional character Samwise Gamgee from Lord of the Rings.

_**[19.34]** _

**baby archivist:** SLEEPOVER 🎉🎉🎉

**STOKED:** PARTY

**Padparad-Sasha:** CHAOS

**Head Archivist:** My goddamn demise.

**STOKED:** damn it, jon killing the mood!!

**Head Archivist:** I'm basically taken hostage here!

**Marto:** well, we can still have fun, right jon??

**Head Archivist:** Assuming I don't die of diabetes, because of all the unhealthy buffet here, then yes.

**baby archivist:** why do you have to be so boring?!?! 😤😤

**Head Archivist:** Excuse me?!

**Head Archivist:** I am NOT boring! I'll have you know that I may not be the most outgoing or popular person around, but I have a good sense of humor and a great social life outside work!

**STOKED:** MHMMMM

**Head Archivist:** And what is that supposed to mean?

**Head Archivist:** It's true!

**Padparad-Sasha:** omg jon is going feral at being called "boring" lmao

**Padparad-Sasha:** btw jon

**Head Archivist:** What is it, Sasha?

**Padparad-Sasha:** blood and whiskey

**Head Archivist:** Sasha, I'll text you. Urgently.

**Marto:** ???? 👀👀👀

**STOKED:** ??????? 👀👀👀

**baby archivist:** ??????? 👀👀👀

* * *

_**Direct Messages - Sasha James** _

**Jonathan Sims:** Please don't say anything, I'm begging you!

**Sasha James:** lemme think about it

**Jonathan Sims:** I give you payraise!

**Sasha James:** nope try again ❤

**Jonathan Sims:** You get to listen to your podcast during work hours!

**Sasha James:** and a mocha latte on monday plz

**Jonathan Sims:** Alright, fine! Deal?

**Sasha James:** yup. nice to make deals with you mr. d'ville

**Jonathan Sims:** CAPTAIN D'Ville, if I may.

**Sasha James:** first mate ❤

**Jonathan Sims:** I hate you.

**Sasha James:** love you too owo

_**Jonathan Sims** changed **Sasha James'** username to **traitor**_

_**traitor** changed **Jonathan Sims'** username to **First Mate**_

* * *

**STOKED:** c'mon sash spill the tea!!!!

**STOKED:** what do you know about jon????

**baby archivist:** I must knoweth the answer 

**baby archivist:** 👀👀👀

**Padparad-Sasha:** sorry can't say

**Padparad-Sasha:** made a deal with bossman

**Head Archivist:** Indeed. Enjoy your podcast.

**STOKED:** WHAT THE EFFING MOTHER***INHG HELL?!?!?!?!

**STOKED:** THIS IS TREASON

**baby archivist:** omg 😮😮

**STOKED:** sasha my queen my stapler godess my boat

**STOKED:** you have DIRT on jon and you won't tell ME?!?!?!?!

**Padparad-Sasha:** that's right and i get to listen to what the ghost while working

**STOKED:** GAAAAASP

**Padparad-Sasha:** 1-0 for sasha 😎 👑

**STOKED:** and now the little shit stole my pepperoni pizza!!!

**STOKED:** GODDAMNIT

**baby archivist:** nom nom crunch crunch

**STOKED:** YOU PIECE OF SHIT IMMA KILL YOU

**baby archivist:** u don't dare

**baby archivist:** I have a secret weapon!!!

**Head Archivist:** Which is?

**baby archivist:** mahtin!!!

_**MARTO** is online_

**Marto:** damn it, I'm at bathroom for literally five minutes and the place is already on fire

**Padparad-Sasha:** just like that tumble meme of the guy who went to get the pizza and the whole party was on fire when he got back lol

_**Marto** changed **Padparad-Sasha's** username to **memequeen**_

**Marto:** berfect

**memequeen:** marto!!! ilysm ❤❤❤

**Marto:** youre welcome 🥰

**STOKED:** and your sis is eating my fucking pizza fuck me

**Head Archivist:** No thanks.

**memequeen:** kjsksdjksjdsjdjs

**baby archivist:** omgbcx kiqsisa

**Marto:** asfkjdcbhsabvgh

**STOKED:** JON JUST DID A JOKE

**STOKED:** is it the fucking apocalypse out there

**STOKED:** y'know wasteland with red skies and everyone's shit scared

**memequeen:** and why not an eye instead of the sun

**Marto:** what, like Sauron's eye?

**Head Archivist:** 👁🌋

**Marto:** Jon youre a fan????

**Head Archivist:** Lord of the Rings is the only book series that actually kept my attention for more than one book, I tend to not read from the same author if I can avoid it. But Tolkien's way of storytelling did capture my interest for longer than I expected and I am very fond of it.

**Head Archivist:** Besides, Samwise Gamgee reminds me of someone I know in real life which is a welcome surprise.

**baby archivist:** yass sam is the best character of all time!!

**Marto:** really? who??

**Head Archivist:** You, Martin.

**memequeen:** ooooooooooh

**STOKED:** oooooooooooh

**baby archivist:** oooooooooh

**Marto:** ...

**Head Archivist:** Martin, are you alright?

**Marto:** hggggggnnnnn

**STOKED:** aww so cute you made him turn red 

**memequeen:** omg it looks like his hair is on fire

**baby archivist:** big bro is basically like our own samwise

**Marto:** omg guys please

**STOKED:** GROUP HUG!!!

**Head Archivist:** Alright, fine. We're off-work anyways.

**baby archivist:** don't be a spoilsport!!!

**Head Archivist:** Oh.

**Head Archivist:** ...oh.

**Head Archivist:** This is nice. And soft. And warm.

_**Head Archivist** is offline._

**Marto:** AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAbhcipkechkwdqbchowduqbvcwhipqbcwipqhcwqibcnbvw

**STOKED:** holy fucking shit he uses you as a pillow!!!

**memequeen:** omg marto

**memequeen:** jon must be really touch-starved if he cuddles you like that

**baby archivist:** ahahahaahaha look at that

**baby archivist:** marto just stood up and jon is clinging to him like a koala!!!

**STOKED:** wrapped his legs around his waist and all 😎😎

**_Head Archivist_ ** _is online_

**Head Archivist:** Shut up. This is solely for scientfical research purposes.

**memequeen:** lol for what?

**Head Archivist:** My hypotesis is correct and finalized my conclusions. 

**Head Archivist:** Martin is soft, warm and very comfortable to hug or cuddle with. 

**Head Archivist:** I've found myself a real life version of the hobbit Samwise Gamgee.

**Marto:** JON?!?!?!?!

**STOKED:** omg cheers!!

**memequeen:** just snapped a photo of that and screenshot the chat. no takebacks!

**STOKED:** NICE!!!

**baby archivist:** 🤣🤣🤣🤣👌👌👌👌

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What, you didn't think I'd forget about this lil' gem?! Yes, it's been a while but I'm getting back on track again.
> 
> And in case you're wondering, Elias muted the chat because he has his phone on vibrator mode and all the notifications buzzed his phone so it vibed like a sex toy. 🤣🤣🤣
> 
> The chat names so far:
> 
> Head Archivist = Jon  
> Marto = Martin  
> STOKED = Tim  
> memequeen = Sasha  
> baby archivist = Jenny  
> Magnus_Head = Elias (muted)

**Author's Note:**

> How did I ended up making this?
> 
> Well, I got inspired by a funny group chat fic I once read about this fandom. It was so funny, so I have to write one for my little AU.
> 
> Oh yeah, it's my own AU where Sasha lives and Martin's younger sister Jenny (although marked by a few Powers) joins the Archive staff.
> 
> Pease let me know what you guys think. :3


End file.
